Try a Little Kindness The Rev. Colleen M. McDonald May 1, 2005

My roommate, Marla Solomon, was one of the people I looked up to in college. Marla washed dishes in the dining hall and eventually landed a position as a Residence Assistant in the dorm to help pay her way through school. Though she was accepted into the School of Music, and later toyed with a major in creative writing, Marla ultimately enrolled in the Honors History Program at Northwestern University and graduated Phi Beta Kappa.

After graduation, she spent two years in the Peace Corps, in Niger. We got together for lunch after she returned, and I still remember many of the things she said. She told me that one of the things she missed most during her time away– "This is going to sounds strange," she warned me-- was cottage cheese, because it was so hard to get dairy products in that part of the world. Another thing I recall is her response to my question about how the Peace Corps had changed her. "I don’t think a good experience changes you," she said. "I think it just makes you more who you are."

This was a somewhat novel idea, to me, at the time-- the suggestion that self-actualization lies not in making ourselves better but in bringing out our best. Now I recognize that this is the philosophy behind character education programs that are currently in vogue– curricula that are utilized in our schools and in non-profit organizations such as the Y (and, in Rockford, MELD). Their goal is to help people recognize, practice, and affirm in one another the most positive and beneficial qualities of human nature.

One such program, The Virtues Project, began in 1991, in response to concerns about rising violence among young people, and within families. "Researching the world’s sacred texts," the website explains, the program founders "discovered something simple and profound. At the heart of all spiritual traditions are virtues, described as the essence of the human spirit and the content of our character." Linda Kavelin Popov and colleagues went on to create resources and workshops, and eventually form a global network, based on teaching fifty-two virtues (one for every week of the year), including compassion, determination, flexibility, humility, joyfulness, tolerance, and tact.

Character Counts, a slightly younger initiative that came out of a 1992 conference of educators, ethicists, and leaders of nonprofits, has a more concise menu, based on ethical values asserted to be common not only to diverse religious faiths, but also across the spectrum of political, racial, gender, and socioeconomic categories. Known as the "Six Pillars of Human Character," these values are trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, justice & fairness, caring, and civic virtue & citizenship.

But even a list of six values or virtues may be carrrying excess baggage, making striving after our human potential more complicated than it needs to be. Maybe the key to living a balanced, healthy, satisfying, and moral life can be condensed into only two words: "Be kind."

That’s the philosophy behind the World Kindness Movement, which emerged at the end of the last century. According to one of its publicists, "The concept of forming a group... specifically to spread kindness is a relatively new phenomenon;" but, apparently, visionaries in several nations throughout the globe began pursuing this idea at roughly the same time. In 1996, proponents of the Small Kindness Movement in Japan invited other kindness activists around the world to gather for a conference in Tokyo. A year later, the group reconvened and produced this charter: "In acknowledgment of the fundamental importance of simple human kindness as a basic condition of a satisfying and meaningful life, we hereby declare the establishment of the World Kindness Movement. Through the individual networks in each country and the formation of this global network, we pledge to join together to build a kinder and more compassionate world." It was signed by representatives from seven nations, later joined by leaders from six more, with a membership today that includes Canada, Australia, Scotland, Nigeria, Italy, India, South Korea, and the USA.

Will Glennon (whose words I shared earlier as a reading) signed the charter on behalf of the USA, although Chuck Wall takes credit for coining the phrase "random acts of kindness," a concept which has spread like wildfire. It seems that, one day in 1993, Dr. Wall, a college professor, had the radio on while he was preparing to teach his course on human relations. "We have another random act of senseless violence to report," the news reader announced. Wall found himself reworking this concept into something more positive, and then decided to use it as the basis for his class’ next assignment: "commit one random act of senseless kindness." His students were puzzled at first, but a week later, they excitedly returned to class with stories of giving blankets to homeless people, rescuing a stray dog, and pulling out of a parking space in order to give it to someone else in a crowded lot. Later, they came up with bumper stickers that read: "Today, I will commit one random act of senseless KINDNESS . . . Will you?" which they sold for a dollar apiece, with proceeds going to the county Braille Center. (Dr. Wall is blind.) Wall went on to form a non-profit organization, Kindness, Inc., and to copyright the phrase "random acts of kindness"; he now licenses its use by other nonprofits, for a small donation.

A book called Random Acts of Kindness, published by Will Glennon, also came out in 1993. After literally thousands of readers contacted Conari Press for more information on how to join the "kindness revolution," Glennon quit the publishing business and jumped on the bandwagon, founding, in 1995, Kindness, Incorporated, with funding by a multi-millionaire. This corporation currently provides lesson plans, activity ideas, planning and publicity manuals, and other resources, to schools, service clubs, congregations, and workplaces, all free of charge, advancing the vision that: "As people tap into their own generous human spirit and share kindness with one another, they discover for themselves the power of kindness to effect positive change. When kindness is expressed, healthy relationships are created, community connections are nourished, and people are inspired to pass kindness on... As people from different cultures and from all walks of life are joining to spread kindness, they are creating a powerful, synergistic action throughout the world. Please join us in bringing kindness and compassion to our local and global communities!"

Of course, the Kindness Movement has become commercialized. One example I found through a Google search is Moozie.com, named after a robotic cow who entertains visitors at a teaching farm, speaks to school children, and teaches lessons in kindness through books and curricula. Among the dreams of her creators are a Moozie Kindness clothing line and Kindness Retail Centers.

The Kindness Movement has also generated a reading audience for entire books devoted to the subject of kindness; while some may be fluff, several that I came across as I prepared for this sermon are worth reading.

Last week I brought A Short Course on Kindness by Margot Forrest and The Joy of Kindness by Robert Furey to the Y (to read on the stationery bike); an acquaintance noticed the titles and asked if the books were any good. "I’ve just started them," I said. "I’m doing a sermon on kindness. The question is," I continued, "why do we need whole books on kindness?" "Maybe the books are about the good feelings you get from being kind," suggested the other woman. "Why do we need whole books about that?" I asked her. (In other words, why does our culture seem to be re-inventing kindness?)

One explanation, as Matt Schudel points out, is that incivility is "practically the defining ethos of modern society." As the already-extensive list of its manifestations in our daily lives continues to grow, more and more we are being harassed not only by offensive people but by offensive things: crudely aggressive bumper stickers and t-shirts that grab our attention; demeaning, dog eat dog television series that get covered as news; computer viruses that hurl insults across cyber-space; ringing cell phones and beeping pagers that spoil the mood of religious services and live concerts. "Viva yo! long live me," is the attitude of our co-worker, our neighbor, the clerk behind the counter, the fellow customer who steps in front of us in line. "It's my world, so get out of my way."

There are, of course, many theories about why our society is so full of rudeness and rage. I think part of the problem, at least among upper and middle class people in our country, is related to our affluence, which permits us to kid ourselves about how independent we are, and masks the reality of how much we actually depend upon one another.

With limited resources and a scarce population, our pioneer ancestors clearly needed one another in order to survive. When a barn needed raising, a fire broke out, or an epidemic raged, neighbors turned to one another. Today we turn to our bank account to provide us with a home, the local fire department to extinguish fires, and a wealth of professionals to keep us healthy. Similarly, our obligations to the people who share our community are ambiguous; and yet where would we be without all the casual acquaintances, anonymous strangers, and invisible laborers– whom we appreciate about as much as most of us value cottage cheese- who sell us groceries, fix our cars, and restore our electricity in the middle of the night? Our quality of life, each day, depends upon a large and diffuse network of people, but it’s easy to lose sight of that fact as we turn our attention to making enough money and buying enough things so that we can "take care of ourselves."

"In recent times," the Dalai Lama wrote in 1999, "civilization has made many advances, but we continue to be troubled by problems because of our undue emphasis solely on material development. We have become so engrossed in its pursuit that, almost without knowing it, we have neglected to foster the most basic human needs for love, kindness, cooperation and caring. And yet the development of human society is based entirely on people helping one another... Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others... is the ultimate source of success in life."

And that’s the perspective that has inspired so many people to join the ranks of the kindness movement.

Out of the helplessness I felt watching my mother battle a terminal illness, out of the grief and the soul-searching I have been experiencing since her death, I made a resolution to make more of an effort to practice kindness. I choose those words carefully-- "practice kindness"-- because, just as a practice the piano every day, practicing kindness is a discipline which calls for commitment and, over time, leads to greater proficiency and ease. This resolution to practice kindness has added balance to my life, inviting me to tune outward when I’m feeling weighed down– if I’m too self-absorbed, I miss opportunities to give and receive kindness-- and helping me do something positive when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It has moved me out of my concern with being vulnerable, urging me to smile into people’s faces and say what’s in my heart, without worrying about whether I am choosing all the right words. Practicing kindness has slowed me down– surely I can take a few seconds to hold the door for someone or let a driver merge into my lane-- and made me more aware of what’s going on around me; I notice who’s "sleepwalking," and who’s "awake," and I look out at the world with the expectation that I will observe kindness.

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need a membership card or a how-to manual to join the kindness revolution. In A Short Course in Kindness, Margot Forrest asserts that there are "two strategies that will spread kindness throughout the world." The first is to tell stories about kindness. Of course, there are books full of such testimonials, but I have studiously avoided peppering this sermon with them because that would have left no room for your stories, and I’d like us all to hear some of them. What random acts of kindness have you experienced, from a co-worker, friend, loved one, neighbor, or stranger? Think about it for a moment, and then I’m going to come down with a microphone and ask several of you to share your story with the rest of us.

If you have a story you didn’t get to tell, I’m going to give you an assignment: after the service, introduce yourself to someone here at church whom you don’t know yet, and tell your story to her or him. Sharing stories that make us feel hopeful, grateful, optimistic, or uplifted is a form of kindness, and hearing a story about kindness inspires kindness in others.

An even bigger motivator, not surprisingly, is witnessing kindness in others-- thus Forrest’s second strategy for spreading kindness: Be kind.

"Kindness" is really shorthand for a host of virtues, including empathy, forgiveness, tolerance, patience, understanding, humility, generosity, gentleness, friendliness, justice, gratitude, and love. Kindness, Forrest suggests, means treating each other as our kind, our kin, as family, blood relatives.

Kindness, as an attitude, manifests an optimistic view of human nature. Perhaps that’s naive. But as Robert Furey suggests, the question of the true nature of human beings is simply academic. "Whether we are fundamentally good or evil can make for interesting classroom-like conversation," he writes. "But it’s not really that important. Much more crucial is the personal choice concerning how you will conduct your life... No one can honestly tell you if you are ‘basically’ good or evil. You decide. You can be either.’" (8,9)

And, I would add, those decisions have an impact on other people’s understanding of their own human nature.

Forrest uses the analogy of the first grocery shopper who goes through the check-out line. If this shopper puts money in the March of Dimes can, the customers behind her in line are more likely to do so, too. Forrest encourages us to continually imagine ourselves as that first person in line, whom others are watching as an example.

Forrest also offers these ten specific tactics for spreading kindness: 1) Offer small gestures freely. A few words, a touch, even a smile can have a big effect. 2) "Be guided by the Better-Than-Golden Rule." Try to ascertain what others what would like you to do unto them, rather than assuming they want what you would want. 3) "Accept the kindness of others." Kindness can be demonstrated in receiving as well as giving. 4) "Listen, listen, listen to other people (and occasionally ask questions). 5) Share experiences that are hard to talk about; you will give others the courage to speak up too, as well as the comfort of knowing they are not alone. 6) "When action is called for, act." Don’t be a bystander. 7) Recognize and offer companionship in its many forms. 8) Spread laughter. 9) Offer encouragement. 10) Be kind to yourself. As Parker Palmer put it, "Self-care is never a selfish act. It is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others." (87)

Who knows how many random acts of kindness will result from your having heard this sermon this morning? The Kindness Movement needs every recruit it can get, for its agenda is nothing short of changing the world. Margot Forrest asserts, "The ability to create change is what’s so wonderful about our lives... We can create the future by the way we act. Right now. Is unkindness winning? We can change that! We don’t need new laws or special equipment. You and I can do it with our kind words and actions... (121)

"Kindness-- and personal power-- is all about choice. We choose whether to feel empathy for others or to allow anger, denial, or depression to block our capacity for caring. We choose whether to stop and be kind when the opportunity arises. We choose to do what’s right despite what others think or what our own small fears may be. We choose to implement our decision to be kind by taking action." (86)

Only a small percentage of those of us in the human race will ever hold national office, create a lasting institution, or give our lives to a single great cause. Fewer among us, still, will be honored in history books. The influence most of us will have is in the realm of day to day living, and the people we interact with at home, at work, in voluntary groups, and out in the community. What will your legacy be?

As you go forth to live the answer, you won’t go wrong if you try a little kindness.