What’s Funny About UU’ism?
Dave Weissbard
Unitarian Universalist Church
Rockford, IL
06/17/01
THE READING
from the “Introduction” to The Big Book of Jewish Humor
edited and annotated by William Novak and Moshe Waldoks
A predominant misconception about traditional Jewish humor is that it is essentially composed of “laughter through tears.” Along with its heartwarming appeal, the phrase enjoys a ring of cogency; after all, the humor of the Russian and Polish Jews arose out of one of the grimmest stretches in all of Jewish history. . . . But the phrase wrongly emphasizes the humor that developed through suffering and implies that the Jews endless struggle with adversity provides its dominant theme. The evidence suggests otherwise. For every joke about anti-Semitism, poverty, or dislocation, there are several others dealing with less melancholy subjects . . .
This is not to say that traditional Jewish humor is typically joyful or celebratory: far from it. Like the Jewish people, Jewish humor is optimistic in the long run, but pessimistic about the present and the immediate future. . . .
This brings us to a central misunderstanding about contemporary American Jewish humor: that it is largely self-hating. . . . Jewish humor is frequently self-critical and sometimes even self-deprecating. Still, the negative element of recent Jewish humor is characteristically overstated. . . As the folklorist Dan Ben-Amos has observed: ‘Perhaps the only validation of the Jewish-masochism thesis is its mass acceptance by Jewish intellectuals, for the actual evidence derived from the jokes themselves does not support it.’
Freud, perhaps the first serious student of Jewish humor, correctly identified a self-critical component in many of the jokes, noting: “I do not know whether there are many other instances of a people making fun to such a degree of its own character. . . . In the words of the psychoanalyst Martin Grotjahn: “Aggression turned against the self seems to be an essential feature of the truly Jewish joke. It is as if the Jew tells his enemies, ‘You do not need to attack us. We can do that ourselves – and even better.’”
THE SERMON
This is my 27th sermon of this year – a record, I believe. Since September I have spoken on Class Warfare, Water, Unitarian Universalism, Optimism, the election, Israel & the Palestinians, King David, Bobos, Dr. King, Faith Based Charities, Compassion, Innocence, Public Service, Kairos, the Progressive Religious Partnership, Easter, Religious Enthusiasm, The Young Dead soldiers, and Unitarian Universalist history - among other subjects. The question was, how to end my 22nd year in this pulpit.
[Ken’s question]
As Jerry Franklin told you last week, he and I visited Ken Rogers, the member none of you but Jerry has met since he is incarcerated at the correctional facility at Dixon. Ken is a very enthusiastic Unitarian Universalist – although on a limited basis. Most of his experience is with Fusion and with books.
Last week, as we were discussing our movement, Ken asked me, “What is funny about Unitarian Universalism? He was not referring to “funny-peculiar,” but “funny - ha ha.” Responding to that query seemed a good way to conclude this year.
I did a lot of research on the internet and, to my surprise, I found almost no new material. There is a rather stable repertoire of UU humor. Perhaps we are more “funny-peculiar” than “funny-ha ha.” I found only a few UU stories I had not used at least once in a sermon over the last 22 years.
I decided that it might be worthwhile to string them together to see what it is they say about us, so, as time permits, I will share the catalog of UU jokes. I decided also that it might be interesting to select the most popular. I am going to measure their popularity by your response, which I will ask 3 people to gauge. They will be watching you. [Three judges were empaneled.]
[the jokes]
Here goes:
: What is a Unitarian Universalist? An atheist with children.
: You might be a UU if . . .
•you have ever been in an argument over whether or not breast milk is vegan.
•when you dress for a formal evening out you wear a little black dress, pearls--and Birkenstocks (and your wife thinks you look great!)
•you are unsure about the gender of God.
•you own six pairs of Birkenstocks and your favorite pair needs to be thrown away.
•you get Newt Gingrich confused with the Grinch who Stole Christmas.
•the money you sent to the Sierra Club last year was
more than you spent on your mother at Christmas.
•you think the Holy Trinity is "reduce, reuse and recycle."
•you study the "ten suggestions" instead of the "Ten Commandments."
•the only time "Jesus" is mentioned at church is when someone trips or stubs a toe.
•your child says to you before eating dinner at a friend's house "I'll remember to say my 'pleases' and 'thank yous' but I'm not going to say that dinner 'pledge of alliegance'."
: When George Bernard Shaw was sixteen, a Unitarian visited the family. Shaw asked his father what a Unitarian was and received the reply, "Unitarians are people who believe that Jesus did not die on the cross, but when last seen was running down the other side of the hill of Calvary." Until he was thirty, Shaw thought that was what Unitarians were.
: The four UU sacraments are: •Dedication, •Marriage, •Memorial Service, and • Argument
: Religious Holy Books:
Judaism The Torah
Islam The Koran
Christianity The Bible
Unitarian Universalism Roberts' Rules of Order
: In, Of Human Bondage, Somerset Maugham said: A Unitarian very earnestly disbelieves in almost everything that anybody else believes, and he has a very lively sustaining faith in he doesn't quite know what.
We UU’s are so committed to process that if we had to form a firing squad we would arrange ourselves in a circle.
: What do you get when you cross an insomniac UU with a dyslexic? Someone who stays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
: A Unitarian Universalist was worried, and confided to another UU, "I want to invite a friend to the Sunday service, but our minister uses that J-word so much I'm afraid it will make my friend feel uncomfortable." “When has our minister ever mentioned Jesus?" asked the other. "I meant 'Justice'."
: UU#1: "UUs don't know enough about the Bible."
UU#2: "Some of us are self-taught, and know a lot. Like me"
UU#1: "Oh, yeah? I'll bet you five bucks you can't recite the Lord's Prayer."
UU#2: "You're on. Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."
UU#1: "All right, I was wrong, you're right -- you win."
: A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one.
His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.
Next stop is Southern Baptist where the seeker is told he would have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy sprinklin'"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.
Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"
: Jesus said to them, "Who do you say that I am?" The Unitarian Universalist Christian replied "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning in our interpersonal relationships." And Jesus said "What?"
: At a gathering of denominational executives, ministers, priests, bishops, and lay representatives, a fire broke out. Someone yelled "FIRE" and the representatives acted accordingly:
•The Baptists immediately called for water.
•The Quakers sat silently waiting for the Spirit to speak.
•The Lutherans quickly made a long list of objections to the fire and nailed it to the auditorium doors.
•The Presbyterians met and voted to refer the issue of fire to a committee which would publish a detailed report to be presented at the next meeting of the session.
•The Fundamentalists declared the fire to be the wrath of God to punish us for our sins.
•The Episcopalians formed a tasteful procession and left the auditorium for sherry!
•The Congregationalists yelled "Every man for himself" while the United Church of Christ representatives yelled "Every person for herself/himself."
•The Unitarian Universalists called all their friends to share and celebrate the experience.
: Well, it seems as though there was a fire in the church district, and all the members of the churches there, who lived in the local area, ran out of their houses and gathered in front of their respective churches. Since the fire was spreading rapidly, they only had enough time to run in and grab one thing:
The Catholics immediately ran into their church and grabbed the altar and brought it out to safety,
The Baptists ran in and rescued the baptismal fount.
The Presbyterians ran in and saved the cross, and
The Unitarian Universalists without any hesitation or debate (a first in the history of the church) ran in and grabbed . . . . . . . the coffee pot.
[afterlife?]
: Q: What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist? A: All dressed up with no place to go.
: Or the one about the Unitarian Universalist who died, and was off on the great journey. He came to a crossroad in the lane, with three directional signs. One said, This Way To Heaven. Another said, This Way to hell. And the third said, This Way To A Discussion About Heaven and Hell. Of course, the Unitarian Universalist went to the discussion.
: A man was being given a tour of Hell by the Devil. "This is the area where we keep people who have violated the food taboos of their religion", the Devil said. "Behind this first door are the Catholics. These are the ones who ate meat on Friday. Behind the second door are the Jews. They all ate pork. Behind the third door are the Unitarian Universalists." The man looked puzzled. The Devil clarified, "They ate their entree with their salad fork."
: Once upon a time, there was a man who had no religion, but was a very good and honest fellow. At death, he found himself in heaven. A kindly looking gentleman was waiting for him. Said the gatekeeper of heaven, "What religion are you sir?". The man said, "I have no religion." The gatekeeper said, "Well, where would you like to spend eternity, then?" The man shrugged. "What are some options?"
Together, they strolled through the halls of heaven, looking in different rooms. In the first, a great congregation knelt before a great glowing figure, their faces to the ground and their hands outstretched. The man didn't think that looked too good.
Next, they stood outside a large sanctuary where a preacher was preaching loudly, to many "Amens" and "Hallelujahs." St. Peter put a finger to his lips and said, "And at this door, we need to be ver-r-r-r-r-r-y quiet."
"Why?" asked the newcomer.
"Because," St. Peter replied, "Those are the Southern Baptists, and they think they're the only ones here."
In another, a great congregation knelt before a fellow hanging from a big cross. The man didn't think much of that either. And indeed, in every room, the man found less than satisfactory situations in which to spend eternity. So, finally the gatekeeper said, "Okay, there's one last option."
They walked down the hall, and the gatekeeper opened the final door, behind which were a great congregation dancing in a big ring around a huge coffeepot singing "Coffee, coffee, coffee!" He found a home with the Unitarian Universalists.
[UU
kids]
: Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"
: Little Sally comes home from Sunday school and her mother asks her what she learned. "The teacher told us the story of Moses leading his people out of Egypt", Sally said. Her mother asked Sally to tell her the story.
"Well", said Sally, "Moses led his people away from Egypt and the Pharaoh starting chasing them. When they got to this big lake, Moses called up his engineers and they built this pontoon bridge over the lake and Moses and his people started across. When they got to the other side, they waited until Pharaoh's army was on the bridge and then Moses called in his helicopters and artillery and they bombed the bridge and blew up the Pharaoh's army and they all drowned and Moses and his people got away."
Sally's mother was horrified. "That can't be the way your teacher told the story!" "Well, no" said Sally, "but you would never believe it the way she told it." [I can’t imagine a UU Sunday School teacher telling this story in the unbelievable way!]
: The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher asked one, "What are you drawing a picture of?" "I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply. "But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher. "They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done." [This is believable.]
: During religious education, the teacher asks a little girl, "Can you tell us what happened on Easter Sunday?" The little girl of course knows the answer. "Jesus rolled back the stone, walked outside and saw his shadow, so we have six more weeks of winter."
: A group of UU church school children were trying to determine the sex of a rabbit. "There's only one way to decide," said one child, "let's take a vote on it." There was a problem when Harold became a mother.
[out of the mainstream]
: A convict on Death Row, the night before his scheduled execution, was visited by the warden. The warden, in talking with the condemned man, said,"Usually at this point, persons in your situation find great comfort in talking to a member of the clergy. With that in mind, would you like us to send the prison chaplain over for a visit?" The convict replied, "Well, warden, I have to tell you - I was raised a Unitarian Universalist." The warden then said, "Well, then, would you like to talk to a math professor?"
: Q: Why are UUs such bad hymn singers? A: We're too busy reading a line or two ahead to see if we agree with it, to sing correctly!
: A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere, and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse. They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their plight. "You're welcome here, fellas. In fact, I have a guest room upstairs. But there's only room for two to sleep up there. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. That's not a problem, though, because the barn is warm and I just put a fresh bed of hay out there." So the Hindu, the Jew, and the Unitarian decided to draw straws to see who would sleep in the barn. The Hindu came up short, and he picked up the pillow and blanket the farmer had provided and went out to the barn.
The Jew and the Unitarian were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu, and he said, "Fellas, I'm upset. There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith."
Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he volunteered to sleep in the barn instead, and he picked up the blanket and pillow and went out. The Hindu and Unitarian were about to climb into bed when another knock came at the door. It was the Jew. "Fellas, I'm sorry, but there's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there."
So the Unitarian said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns." So he picked up the blanket and pillow and headed to the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when another knock came at the door.
It was the cow and the pig.
: Did you hear the one about the poor bigot who was so angry at one of our churches that he burned a question mark on our lawn?
: Seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car. He finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower Lamborghini. Recognizing the deeply felt significance of realizing his lifelong dream, he drives over to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on the parsonage door. "Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "Certainly, my son, " replies the priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?" "Sorry to have troubled you father - I just have a feeling you're not the right man for the job."
So he drives to a nearby synagogue and repeats the question: "Rabbi, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini.""Certainly, "replies the rabbi, "but what's a Lamborghini?" "Gosh, Rabbi, I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job either."
Finally, he drives to his local UU meeting house and finds the minister. "I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on my Lamborghini." "I suppose so," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to have one myself, but what's a 'blessing'?"
So a young woman walks into a fabric store and asks the clerk for 9 yards of filmy material. The clerk says "What are you going to make?" and the UU says "I'm getting married and am making a negligee for myself as a present for my husband." The clerk says "But 9 yards is way too much material for a negligee." The young woman says, "I know, but I’m marrying a Unitarian Universalist and they would rather seek than find."
: Have you heard the latest UU miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
: How many gods are there?
Polytheist: "Many"
Monotheist: "One"
Atheist: "Zero"
Agnostic: "Don't know"
Unitarian Universalist: "Any number except three. Well... maybe, but which three?"
[in
the face of danger]
: Hearing that a great flood was coming
•Roman Catholics said their rosaries,
•Methodists joined in prayer,
•but UU's formed a class to try to learn to live under water.
: An airplane was about to crash and the flight attendant asked a UU minister on board to pray. The minister responded, "Let us all join hands for silent meditation."
: If an airplane were about to crash, among the passengers
•some people would cry,
•some people would pray,
•but a Unitarian Universalist minister would try to organize a committee on air safety!
[light bulbs]
QUESTION: How many church people
does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray
against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on
and off.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say
how much better they liked the old bulb.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell
him how to do it.
Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, and two
or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and
the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide
Unitarian
Universalists: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that
light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb
and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which
we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,
fluorescent, three -way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally
valid paths to luminescence.
: Q. How many UUs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 300: 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee.
5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the Buildings & Grounds Committee.
8 to sit on the Building & Grounds Committee which appoints the Light Bulb Changing Committee.
4 to sit on this Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb - those four then give their own opinion of “screwing in methods” while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes
100 individuals to complain about the method of installation,
another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the Light Bulb at all,
and at least one to insist that back in their day, the lit chalice was quite enough, thankyouverymuch!
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
First, let's decide just what we mean by lightbulb, and how one might be changed . .And let us examine whether it truly acknowledges the dignity and worth of the light bulb to ask it to change.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Someone who goes around knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
And, finally:
: How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist? You can't; they already know it all.
[behind Ken’s question]
I suspect that Ken Rogers’ question about what is funny about us stems from his limited contact with church life. I would suggest that there is a real problem when one judges Unitarian Universalism, like any religion, from the surface rather than its depths.
I was talking with Thandeka this week and when I told her about the subject of this sermon, she told me about the introduction she had written to a paper she will be delivering at the General Assembly. She said she began with her recipe for tutti-fruity ice cream, which concludes with taking the mixed ingredients to your local UU church where they will be frozen by the atmosphere.
When I was researching last week’s sermon on Unitarian history, I discovered an article by Conrad Wright in the “Journal of the Unitarian Historical Society.” It is his contention that the criticism of Unitarian coldness originated with Jedidiah Morse and his colleagues, orthodox Christians who were attacking the early Unitarians in this country. Morse and his friends were really into revivalism and high emotion and the Unitarians were more laid back and rational - suspicious of unbridled enthusiasm. That is not to say that the Unitarians were dispassionate people, but the criticism stuck and it is with us to this day, “God’s Frozen People.” That’s not us in my experience.
That is how we look on the surface because what differentiates us from the rest of the religious community is our emphasis on reason, but that is not all we are about. We live in the real world. We are living, breathing, caring people who are seeking the experience of community. All the reason in the world would be irrelevant if we did not have passion for living. Remember, we are the people who suspect that this may be the only life we have. How could we squander it on cold logic alone? It is our humanity – our connections to one another and to life itself that keeps us coming back. The problem is, sometimes people get so caught up in the intellectual dimension that they don’t recognize the importance of the human component and fade away unfed.
But to realize the human connections, you must be involved in the day to day, or week to week, life of the church. Which is what Ken can’t know in Dixon, and which has brought Thandeka to membership, even at a distance, in this church. We do, in fact, laugh warmly and enthusiastically at ourselves.
[over-earnest?]
It is true that we sometimes demonstrate an excess of earnestness. We do take ourselves seriously– perhaps too seriously. We err when we believe that we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and if only we were more serious about the problems, we could heal the hurts of the world. We need to be serious, to be responsible, but at the same time, we need to be able to take ourselves lightly. We need to laugh at our foibles, at our pretensions.
There is another component that comes out in the jokes we tell about ourselves. Our humility is genuine, even when we are arrogant about it. We do not believe we have all the answers. We know there are great mysteries about life that are not solved by the mere utterance of a holy name. We know, in our heart of hearts, that the final answers have not been discovered. There are times when, however, our not knowing makes us so insecure that we act as if we know – and that’s when the pin of humor needs to pop our balloons.
In a letter this week, following up on his own question, Ken Rogers wrote,
We do laugh a lot. I think some humor aimed at ourselves would actually be an invitation to investigate the beauty and fulfillment available within UU. It would remove the self-supporting pedestal others feel we stand upon. UU scares people. It doesn’t present a perfect image of spiritual enrichment – other religions offer fantasies of desperately needed illusion. We are willing to die forever, we are willing to live our lives as relevant elements of now. But we keep our laughter about our religion to ourselves, hiding so others not UU will not step up or down to our level. We are not elitists., We are shy. Ha Ha Ha.
Ken, because of the limits to his participation, has missed a real component of what we are - he doesn’t know how much we do laugh at ourselves. In our reading, Novak and Waldoks quoted Martin Grotjahn who suggested that part of what Jewish humor is about is telling enemies, “You do not need to attack us. We can do that ourselves – and even better.”
We do that too. We repeat the ancient Unitarian Universalist jokes, as we should, but in doing so, we need to remember the difference between those caricatures and the reality of our Unitarian Universalist commitment to the best and the depth of human living.